Mitch and I are getting a divorce - Surprise and shocking huh?
It's funny - the past however many years that I actually still used my livejournal - what would I write about? My failing marriage - how Mitch cheated yet again or something of the sort. Here I am, nearly 7 years into our relationship - and I've hit rock bottom.
Rock bottom - I can't be married to Mitch. Right now I feel hurt, hostility, anger, aggression towards him. I can't even bear to be in the same damn room as him, because if he tries to talk to me, say anything, do anything - I want to scream shut the FUCK UP, DIE, AHHH I HATE YOU - for all the pain he has caused me to be in. But the truth is, I allowed myself to feel the pain, and I allowed myself to stay for so damned long.
I know that - I am a completely different person and in a completely different train of thought than I have ever been - I was the one who asked Mitch - I was the one who realized enough is fucking enough. I have a hell of a lot to work on - but I know I can do it - without Mitch. I no longer love him. I no longer have any desire to be with him. I No longer care who he fucks, who he loves, etc. The only thing I will perhaps 'miss' is the idea of what could have been - but the truth is, there never was any of what I would have missed - so I can't even responsibly miss that.
I won't spend day after day , hoping Mitch will come home tonight - or wondering at midnight, when will mitch show up? I won't be burned out by what he has put me through and done to me - eventually I'll be healed, but right now, what's damned important is that I work on healing.
Time goes by too fast. Too much has happened since then. As much as my dad fucked up and wasn't the greatest, I dream and hurt so badly to have him in my life.
Probably asleep? On the couch? In SLC?
2) What was your status by Valentine's Day?
married
3) Did you attend school this year?
Yes! and I finished my undergraduate! WOOHOO!
4) How did you earn your money?
I was a server for a while, and then I focused the mostest on finishing school..
5) Did you have to go to the hospital in 2009?
No
6) Did you have any encounters with the police?
Yes, of course! But no trouble! :)
7) Where did you go on holiday?
Nowhereland!
8) What did you purchase that was over $1000?
A moving truck? A new lease? Uh... The end.
9) Did you know anybody who got married?
Do my clients count?
10) Did you know anybody who passed away?
Mitch's grandfather. My moms father in law.
12) Did you move anywhere?
Yesm, Maryland!
14) What concerts/shows did you go to?
None - Lamer!
15) Are you registered to vote?
I think I need to re-register in my new area.
16) Who did you want to win American Idol?
I don't watch that.
17) Where do you live now?
Anne Arundel County, MD!
18) Describe your birthday?
It was pretty sucktastic, but we were broke so hopefully that's not the case next year! :)
19) What's one thing you thought you wouldn't do but did in 2009?
Actually move to MD? I'm not sure, I thought I would but there was always the "realistic thought" in the back of my mind that thought otherwise... Or boobs.
20) What has been your favorite moment?
Spending quality time with my kids. Seriously, I never thought I could be a "stay at home mom" but the past 5 months have been the best months for me to learn and teach and grow with my kids. Though I still think they do better in day care? Ha. Or Boobs? Can I say that? Can I compare boobs to my kids? uh.
21) What's something you learned?
That I don't need to be dependent on others - if I have to do something, I can, and I will.
22.) Any new additions to your family?
No... Thank Gosh.
23.) What was your best month?
Uh... Probably March, just because I was in my favorite semester of college, with really awesome people in my classes/making new friends/hanging out/working a fun (for the most part) job/ it was just overall good.
24.) What music will you remember 2009 by?
I have no idea.
25) Who has been your best drinking buddy?
I don't drink!
26) Made new friends?
I did - I made some really awesome friends in the Spring semester of college - but I moved away, otherwise I feel like those friendships would have really grown.
28) Favorite Night out?
I don't do those.
29) Someone you liked?
Myself? My family?
30) have you kissed the one from question 29?
Everyday. Well not myself, but members of my family! :)
31) Kiss any one of the same sex?
Addison.
33) something you look forward to before 2010?
It already is 2010! :)
34) Where will you start 2010?
I did it asleep on my couch watching a movie :) (Cabin Boy --- Mitch's choice!)
35) Overall, was it a good year?
It was a year that taught me a lot, and a year to prepare for 2010!
Saturday was destined to be all sorts of ... wonderful? :) Last time Maryland had an official blizzard (that I lived through) was 1996. Apparently there was one in 2003 or 2004 - but I had moved to Utah. Moving foward - Brooks birthday also happened to be Saturday! Freaking 2! Holy cow - the amazingness of the past 2 years blows me away. I love this lil' kid so much, and can't believe he's a 'kid', not a baby, nor a toddler. A KID!
Mitch spent 4 hours driving (which should have been an hour round trip driving) to pick up my sister and her girlfriend & son so that they could come over for Brooks birthday (bless Mitch's soul....).
It was such a fabulous day, regardless of the weather. (Have I mentioned how much I despise snow?). I hope Brooks knows how much we love him and how grateful we are to have him in our life for 2 years now!
Brooks obviously loves all things "Yo Gabba Gabba" - his favorite character being Brobee. I knew I wanted to make a Brobee cake, but I am no cakebakewhiz. (Even though I did work in a cookie decorating store for 2 years...). I was determined to only use ingredients I had in the house - and running out of cake mix, I ended up using tinfoil for the horns - but otherwise, I think it was a success because at least you can tell what "it" was supposed to be? :)
The favorist thing I made was this pretty rad (for a non painter/talentedcreative type) was this frame... til I realized they all had their hands up like suliting Hitler... Ha... Uh..
Happy Birthday Brooks!
www.iamblair.com or bust.
10 days til MARYLAND. Word. Can't wait.
There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child.
There are seven million.
~Walt Streightiff
When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it?~Eleanor Roosevelt
I don't ask for much, but I think that is a very worthwhile reason to ask:
One of my good friends from high school deployed out with a soldier named Eddie. However,Eddie was shot twice in the head, and his parents were told repeatedly that there was very little chance of survival. Yet Eddie is going to be going home in about 6-8weeks, with a strong brain, and a recovering body. Help make Eddie's home wheelchair accessible - even a $1 donation helps, and who doesn't have a $1!
I am obviously no supporter of the war - and I sure as heck question our governments ability to even govern - but I do support the brave men & women who defend my right to think such things. More so - this is not about supporting the war or our government - but helping a man (who happens to be a marine) survive and do so dignified.
Even a $1 can help a lot.
http://www.helpeddieryan.com
http://www.helpeddieryan.com
Well, my friends, I've been in "one-derland" for quite a while, but today I found a number I haven't seen in too long.
Freak! I've lost 40POUNDS!! since I first started my journey. And while I have a LOOOONG way to go - I'm so proud of myself - I feel better than I have in so long. I feel like I look the same - but I know that can't be entirely true because all of my clothes are huge on me, I've dropped three pant sizes, etc.
Here's to another fourty pounds - and that I never "find" this weight, ever again!
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